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The Baseball Jokes Thread


splitterpfj

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so far, Bombers wins.

 

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

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One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are.The teacher asks the class, "Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?" Billy raises up his hand and says, "Yeah, Pennsylvania!". The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy!, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?"Suzy raises her hand and says, "That's in Michigan!" The teacher again says, "Very good." Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, "Where's Kansas City?" Tommy raises his hand and says, "Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?" The teacher says, "OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?"

 

"They're in last place."

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Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he began writing again. "Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

 

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child responded.

 

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

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Why is it so hot at Rays games? Because there's no fans at Tropicana.

 

The Devil challenged God to a baseball game. God replied, I have Ted Williams, Lou Gehrig, Cy Young, and many other greats. There is no way you can beat us. The devil replied "That may be true, but I have all the deceased umpires"

 

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'Mays'?"

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