In case anything happens to me I need to have a written record for legal purposes. If I am victim to some horrific accident, please contact the local police and share this information so that Johnny Law can catch this 8 ounces of holy terror before he takes over the planet. 8/23/08- Warm today. Went out to check on my tomato plants. Saw a squirrel. My nemesis seems to have cloned himself 100 fold. He's all over my back yard, in the trees, shrubs, garage, the fence, telephone wires, grass, our porch, hole in the tree, all over. He's watching me. Plotting his next move. I have to attack soon or fall prey to a cunning rodent looking to establish a name for himself in his gang. 8/25/08- I've contacted an attorney in regards to this newly anointed gang member. I want to sue this squirrel for all he has. Harassment, damages to garden plants, mental anguish. The attorney laughed and hung up on me. This is obviously a tactic of the squirrel and he must have been holding the lawyer at claw point telling him what to do. I can not figure out how the squirrel knew which legal firm I would contact. It is now apparent he has tapped into my brain waves. I must stop thinking. 8/26/08- I paid off a rabbit with $65 cash to obtain my enemy's name. He goes by the street name "Bushy-T". Good info. That rabbit is solid. I bet if I keep paying him cash, he'll be a fine addition to my arsenal. 8/26/08 evening time- Paid another $50 for the name of the gang Bushy-T is in. Zoo-14. Zoo-14 is headed by a Wombat named Mike. Mike's street name is Mike. 8/30/08- Kind of stumbled on a good idea last night while drinking beer in the garage. I was listening to ABBA's Greatest Hit the album on my stereo while doing the moon walk. Luckily for me, I slipped on an empty beer bottle and hit my head on the table saw. Hit my head on the table saw. When I got up and polished off the rest of the Miller High Life I hit play again on the greatest hit CD when the snow blower started talking to me. It's a Honda, so he spoke only Japanese. The snow blower was a bit tough to understand at first seeing as there was a tarp over him, but I understood. He empathized with me in refrence to the Bushy-T problem. I took "Hondo's" advice and fired him up. I chased the squirrels around the back yard trying to eliminate them. I figured that stripping down to my boxers would help with aerodynamics. I was hoping to run faster. Apparently the next door neighbors are working with Bushy-T because they called the cops. They say that 3 am is too late for loud music and snowblowers driving around the back yard. My in laws must be in cahoots with the Zoo-14 gang because they yelled at me about the missing grasss about the width of a snow blower in the yard. Who would have thought the grass that shot out of the chute would actually stick to the wooden fence? Looks kind of nice in my opinion. I'll have to update my files later. Look for revisions to this post shortly as I will enter my logs as I get time. 9/1/08 Out in the garage again last night. I was working on some chores when I had an idea to establish my perimeter. I outlined my entire back yard with fire crackers, every 5th foot was an M-80. I strung them all together and put the master igniter by the back door. I could easily and quietly light the wick and watch furry pieces of Bushy T fly all over the yard. While practicing some blow torch tricks I accidentally lit the whole damned string line of explosives. Made a cool show and taught those Zoo-14 chumps a thing or two. No street lights needed last night, our yard was aglow for hours. One nice thing about the accident: the grass is no longer stuck to the fence. Bad news: Fence is in the yard across the street. That's okay though, let's me see the enemy coming from farther away. 9/3/08 Went to the Army surplus store today. Got some dynamite. No accidental discharges this time, I promise. I had a bit of a revelation this morning. The tree in my neighbor's yard seems to be harboring some of Bushy-T's gang members. Birds and chipmunks both. I must eliminate the tree which is being used as a headquarters for evil doings. I went over there and wound the dynamite around the base of the tree quietly so as not to tip my hat to my brilliant move. I set up a remote detonator and carried it into my house and to our living room. I wanted to hide it someplace good, so I put it under the seat cushion of my wife's chair. She came home earlier than I thought and sat down to take off her shoes. The tree is gone now, went bye-bye. As a plus, if the folks next door want a new basement, I got them covered. Man, that was loud. 9/4/08 Neighbor's house is for sale. They must be relocating for work. I hope they have a nice time. I found the rabbit I had been paying for information in my backyard dead. Bushy must have gotten to him and made it look like natural causes. I called the cops to let them know. They stopped by to investigate a bit later. I showed them the body and asked them to check the rabbits pockets for cash. I hoped to get some of my money back. They must have felt bad for me because they let me take a ride in their car. I got to meet some folks who liked wearing white coats at their work place. They even gave me some M&M's! They must have gotten a special edition of candy, they were solid white. Unfortunately, they tasted terrible. I didn't tell the people though, I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I only ate six. I must have been really tired because I slept for about 36 hours. Nice. I tried to call my mom and tell her how much fun I had eating candy, but she won't return my calls. I think it's because she is a secret government agent. She is probably a para trooper for Delta Force. Sweet. Now Bushy's in trouble. I have a pro on my side! More updates later. I have to find the rest of my daily logs.