My Mental Health Journey

I’m not even sure how long I’ve been depressed. I’m beginning to realize that it’s probably been a long time and that I’ve hidden it or bottled it up, it’s gotten worse. Those close to me probably don’t even realize I have mental health issues. I’ve become good at hiding it. I use humor. I use a Brewers Twitter account where I rarely take things seriously. Over the past several months, however, I’ve made the choice to take my mental health seriously.

Its not a good feeling when you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see. Too often over the past couple years I’ve realized that I don’t love myself. Truth be told, I think it’s gone on way longer than that. I think, for the better part of my adult life, I haven’t loved myself. Again, I’ve done a good job of hiding this throughout my life. I’ve done a good job of being the person people expected me to be at any given time.

It was the times where I was alone with my thoughts that these feelings came out. “I’m not capable of being loved.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m a failure.” Those things may not have been reality, but they were MY reality. 

Reality is that in 2018, I married the love of my life, my rock, my soulmate. MY reality has me asking her at times how she could love someone like me, and telling her that she could’ve done better than someone like me.

Reality is that in 2018 I found my dream job. I am now the Director of a work program that helps adults with disabilities reach their goal of employment out in the community. My staff and I make a difference every day. MY reality is that I’m a failure and am letting down my staff and our program members constantly. 

Of course, for years, I thought, “This can’t be happening to me. I’m not the type to be depressed.” The thing is, that is what was happening to me. There is no type. My wife, who has been amazing through all of this, pushed me to get help, to talk to someone. I resisted at first, then I met with one of those employee counseling services. The bad days continued. Then, earlier this year, thanks to my wife’s support,  I started seeing a professional therapist on a regular basis. It was something that was very much out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone, which I was definitely not used to doing. The therapy has helped. Since I’ve been going, the good days have outnumbered the bad. There are still days I don’t want to be around people, so if I say no to something, please don’t be offended. I just need time to myself. If I’m out or at a gathering and appear to be antisocial, please don’t take offense. It’s just me wanting to be alone. When I’m in that zone, it’s something I can’t help.

I’m sharing my story, because perhaps there is someone out there who could benefit from hearing it--someone who, like me, thought this couldn’t happen to them. Making your mental health a priority is important. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to ask for help.

I still have days of feeling like I’m not good enough, but they’re becoming less and less frequent. The good days are winning. I know I’m blessed with an amazing wife, family and friends, and I love you all. Now I need to work on loving myself. I’m getting there. One day at a time.