In an effort to instill an even playing field and prevent every hitting record since the beginning of time being shattered, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Russell Branyan is no longer allowed to face right-handed pitching. "We just can't afford to be giving out free baseballs like this every time 'The Muscle' steps to the plate", Selig quipped. "I mean, holy hell, someone's liable to get killed by one of those moonshots". When asked if this rule would be applied to other players league-wide, Selig retorted, "not until another guy is on pace for 1,278 HR's and a 5.189 OPS and 78 wounded souls". On a related note, the Brewers also announced that fellow 3B platoon partner Bill Hall will no longer be allowed to face any pitching whatsoever, citing, "lack of ability, overvalued sense of self, and bad agent advice" as the primary factors.