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Can Bill Hall Pitch?


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He could indeed pitch, AND donate a shoulder to Ben Sheets. There's nothing he can't do.


I remember this one game I went to, the Crew was down 7-0 due to bad umping, lack of hitting, and plain old bleeding runs by the pitching staff. The Brewers payroll was woefully low, the stadium was completely lethargic and without energy, and my throat was dry from lack of beer and only $2 in my pocket to remedy the problem.


Just then, Bill Hall takes over playing the organ, rouses the stadium to life with a rousing medley consisting of Beethoven's 9th, AC/DC's "You Shook me All Night Long", as well as selected tracks from "K-Tel's Baseball Stadium Favorites", "Favorte Irish Fight Songs", and "The Best of German Dance - Electronique". No sooner is he done with that than he is serving me a beer and making change for me from my $2, with enough money left for a tip for himself, and a whopping $25M leftover to raise the payroll for the team. He goes in to pitch, calls his own balls and strikes, and manages to actually erase four runs from the prior inning. Next inning in the lineup he hits a grand-slam, and the Crew wins 4-3.


He is Babe Ruth, Mozart, Bugs Bunny, and Woody Woodpecker, all in one.

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Someone needs to do a "Real Ultimate Power" site for Bill Hall, ala what someone did for Brooks Kieschnick two years ago.


If you don't know what "Real Ultimate Power" is, go type that phrase into google and prepare to say "goodbye" to the next two hours... all of the variations are pretty good.

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This thread is begging for some Bill Hall statements of the Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris variety.



When Bill Hall pitches, he doesn't use a catcher. Bill Hall catches his own pitches.


Bill Hall throws himself batting practice.


Bill Hall doesn't take days off. He simply learns a new position.


Bill Hall can do your job better than you can.

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Ned Yost goes up to Bill Hall before each game, asks Bill if he'll be pencilled in as Manager for the game, then bows to Bill and thanks him profusely and goes back to his office.


Back in the office he finds that the rest of team is huddled around a computer, using Photoshop to make it look like Bill Hall was the Best Man at all their weddings.


Up in the owners office Mark A. is working out the details of a loan to give to Bill Hall so that Bill Hall can buy the team and hire Mark A. as his Personal Assistant.

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Bill Hall doesn't strike out. He merely allows pitchers to live.


Bill Hall doesn't believe in Sabermetrics or 3TO - Bill Hall believes in Bill Hall.


Bill Hall doesn't steal a base. He steals your soul.


Bill Hall has perfected the 6-6-6 double play. Out of fear, Satan hands over this symbol to Bill Hall.


Bill Hall doesn't sign autographs, he acknowledges receipt of your soul.


Moises Alou wanted to use Bill Hall's tears to toughen his hands. Bill Hall doesn't cry. This became known as Moises Alou's Folly.

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When somebody brought up at a team meeting that the Crew was underpreforming in the retro unis, Bill Hall sensed it might be due to a curse. Bill Hall spent the next five minutes flying down to New Orleans to marry the VooDoo queen, get her to lift the curse, divorced her amicabily, won millions in alimony, invested his newfound wealth in textile futures, designed a new curseless exact replica of the retro unis, and distributed them to the team.


That game he went 4-5, his only out being a long fly ball caught at the wall. Out of awe and respect the center fielder later recanted and filed with the botanical society to have his glove classified as ivy so that the catch would be ruled a home run.

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Bill Hall is heaven in the batter's box, hell on the basepaths and a purgatory for pitchers.


He's Nirvana on the infield, Enlightenment in the outfield, and Wisdom from the bench.


He subscribes to the philosophy of hard work, follows the Religion of the long ball, and defines the metaphysics for the intangible ingredients of victory.


He has a silver tongue, turns opposing pitchers green, and makes his teammates golden.


He's the "primus inter parus" with that "je ne sais quois" who most often delivers the "coup de maitre".


He reads pitchers like fairy tales, speaks the language of batting intimidation, and writes his own destiny.

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There are some pretty good ones here. I think Bill Hall deserves his own facts site.

-Bill Hall doesn't learn new positions, he simply stands in a new place and the ball makes itself easy to catch out of respect.

-Bill Hall doesn't steal bases, he liberates them.

-No matter how many times you tell yourself "I'm a white guy and he's younger than me", Bill Hall is still your father.

-Bill Hall's bat is not made out of wood, but out of Nerf because otherwise it wouldn't be fair.

-DH's are only allowed to live because Bill Hall's girlfriend told him to be more merciful.

-There was no steroids scandal in baseball, merely a lot of players who shook hands with Bill Hall.

-Most baseball cleats have 6 to 9 spikes, Bill Hall's have 32, all of which are venomous.

-Bill Hall's bed is covered in astroturf.

-Bill Hall doesn't believe in the American League.

-Bill Hall's glove isn't made out of cow leather, it's made out of the skin of the minotaur, which he killed when he was 6.

-Lisa Dergan and Scott Podsednik only hooked up after Bill Hall told him "you can have one of my ugly ones".

-When Bill Hall doesn't feel like hitting a homer, he simply picks up a ball and throws it into left-field, striking Bernie Brewers in the head with enough force to cause him to tumble down the slide.

-Bill Hall's offseason training consists of a fight against a pride of lions with 18-inch bayonnets attached to their head while wearing a straightjacket. PETA labels it "senseless killing".

-Bill Hall can triple your career ERA in one AB.

-Bill Hall has a VORP of "Holy %&*^!"

-Bill Hall blows bubbles with Skoal Mint.

-Bill Hall can steal first base.

-Bill Hall once hit a 5-run homer.

-Bill Hall lets Mark Attanasio "play boss".

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The military uses his DNA in designing new weapons, the Vatican uses his image in religious art restoration, and the oral tradition uses his name in legend.


On his deathbead, Homer lamented that he couldn't live long enough to write an epic about Bill Hall. Zeus willed himself into existence just so that he could bow to Bill Hall. After hearing the Oracle talk about the coming of Bill Hall, Alexander downgraded his own name from "The Super Great."


He's always in the hearts of every fan, in between the ball and a basehit, and is an out-law Texas.

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-Bill Hall's used gum sold on Ebay for $1 billion...he promptly used the proceeds to cure cancer.


-OF walls aren't padded to protect Bill Hall from hurting himself, they're padded to protect the wall from Bill Hall.


-Bill Hall swings a special bat in the on deck circle; it's made of lead and weighs 100 lbs.


-Bill Hall hits right handed out of pity for pitchers.


-Bill Hall hates Barry Bonds for using the steroids cream and clear (AKA Bill Hall's sweat)


-Pitchers don't sweat becasue they're hot, they sweat because Bill Hall is on deck.

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Bill Hall doesn't wait for his pitch, he waits for the ball to give up avoidin him


Bill Hall wears number 2 because number 1 is too cocky


Bill Hall created get away days so other pitchers can get some hope back


No one is responsible for opening or closing the Keg anymore, Bill Hall does it all with his mind

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Why no one steals on Bill Hall




The rest of the league has learned what Shea Hillenbrand so painfully found out...


The key to this next one is what you don't see...




After this picture was taken, Bill Hall punched the guy so hard that it knocked his team to Washington

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